I CAN HAZ DONE...

Tooloose taking a much needed rest after helping the author get her next manuscript to the publisher...It takes much energy looking over someone's shoulder...



Had a great conversation with my brain now that my manuscript is out the door.

BRAIN: YIPPEE SKIPPEE My manuscript is off to my publisher!!!!!

ME: So what's next?

BRAIN: YIPPEE SKIPPEE

ME: Maybe I should start that other idea I had... or may do a revision of that other project I got kind of stuck on.

BRAIN: YIPPEE SKIPPEE

ME: You're not being real helpful, here, Brain.

BRAIN: YIPPEE SKIPPEE

ME: Okay maybe I'll play around with a short story. That might be fun. Or an article.

BRAIN: NOOOOOOoooooooooo yippee skippee

ME: Something tells me you're not that enthusiastic to start something new...

BRAIN: *makes no sound...not even tree falling*

ME: Brain? Brain are you there?

BRAIN: YIPPEE SKIPPEE

ME: That's it. *goes to computer...starts typing* "IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT...

BRAIN: Don't start something new...please??? Let me rest...I deserve a break...

ME: Hmmm...the beginning is a bit hackneyed. Maybe you have a point Brain. I SHOULD take some time off..

BRAIN: OH! OH! I got an idea!!!! The first line is "Her name was misspelled in the obituary...and you can make it about....and do this....and that... It'll be great!!!!!!

ME: YIPPEE SKIPPEE

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE...

It might be the sailboat stuck on the reef in front of the Halekulani Hotel...


Gosh you make only a FEW tiny mistakes... Getting towed out for a wonderful afternoon of drinking beer on the ocean with no prop, rudder, sails or workable anchor...and gee...
You end up on the reef.
Who knew?

WORKING THE WORKSHOP

What do anemones have in common with writing workshops?


I was asked to conduct a workshop on writing so I'm going to take a time out line editing my next manuscript and get inspired.
Yep.
You heard it right.
If you want to get inspired then either take a workshop or give one. There's nothing like being in a room with like minded people talking about something you all love to get you all charged up.

For information on the NOVEMBER 14 WORKSHOP at the UH Lab School here in Hawaii, contact Jacqui via her email. Just replace the at with @ tropicalparadise at hawaii.rr.com
Hopefully by doing this I have not opened the floodgates for her to be spammed with male member enlargers.

So the answer to the question is that by networking like a busy little (big) anemone you stretch and expand your horizons...with the added advantage of being able to regroup when tossed into that rejection blender.

So if you could take a workshop with an author...what would YOU like to ask?

MORE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

Another step in the revision and editing process...

I was introduced to a new blog ROLLING AROUND IN MY HEAD . Dave is using LOTTERY for his bookclub. He has a wonderful blog and I recommend you taking a look.

Revising and editing. Again. And again. AND AGAIN.

WRITER-SELF: Looks good. Just a few more changes like how do I get my character from her small town in Elmtree, Wisconsin where she works in a cafe, to being the chief astronaut and nuclear physicist in Russia...

NORMAL-SELF: The reader will understand. It's done.

WRITER-SELF: That sentence is a little long. Takes up three pages. Maybe I should re-work it?

NORMAL-SELF: Leave it alone. It's done.

WRITER-SELF: The ending feels...I don't know...up in the air...inconclusive. I mean everybody's still alive. I feel like I have to kill somebody...

NORMAL-SELF: No you don't. Murder is against the law plus readers become nasty when an author kills off every endearing character. It's done.

WRITER-SELF: Maybe I should re-structure it? have four sections. Leave out the chapter headings. Change the font.

NORMAL-SELF: Leave it alone. It's done.

WRITER-SELF: You know as I read through it, it's pretty good. I don't think I need to mess with it any more. It's done!

NORMAL-SELF: Have you done spell check? Maybe you should do another spell check. And that's a good idea you had about the font. You could add a couple alien space monkeys to the mix. THAT would add suspense and kick it up a notch...

IS THAT A FENDER IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME...

A man and his fender...

So you've all noticed by now that I'm posting less on my blog. There's a reason. If you EVER want to see the next novel then I have to draw the line somewhere.
TIME MANAGEMENT FOR DUMMIES.
The short version.
Cliff notes.
1. Wake up and while you are brushing your teeth write a novel.
2. Eat breakfast and write a novel.
3. Sweep the floor and write a novel.
4. Do laundry and write a novel.
5. Drive to the grocery store and write a novel. ok well I guess it's illegal to use a computer in the car so you can write it when you get back.
6. Feed your cats and write a novel and if your cat is clever they will write one while they eat.
Repeat seven days a week and at the end of a month you'll have say a gadzillion novels.
Aren't you glad I helped you out like this?

GIVING A CHARACTER THE PINK SLIP...

Revising and editing a manuscript is like working on your boat. It can go on forever and nobody seems to do the job as well as you can...


I had to fire a character last week. I told her with the economy and everything I just didn't think I could keep her on.

"Sarah you have to go. I'm sorry."

"Was is something I did?"

"No. No, it's just I can't afford to keep you. You're diluting my story."

"I can change! Let me know what I need to do and I'll do it."

"It's not that. It's just you and the book seem to be going in different directions. You're kind of more YA and my book is adult."

"Make me older!"

"It's not that simple. In the beginning you were like a scaffold. You got the story going, but now? Well, frankly you're superfluous."

"What's superfluous?"

"See? That's just what I mean. You have a tendancy to take over. I need to concentrate on characters that are more pliable, ones that give me more bang for my buck."

"I can bang. Really! Give me a chance. Don't just cut me out like this. Is there no loyalty?"

"Sarah you're making this harder than it has to be. I tell you what I'll do. I'll keep your personal folder and if I have an opening in another book, I'll give you a call."

"Yeah? Well I just may be busy! YOU just think of THAT! I may be unavailable. Maybe I'll try another author. Boy, will you be sorry when the next book I'm in actually WINS an award. And I never told you this but I think your writing STINKS!"

*Character slams my door on her way out, kicks over my garbage can, and keys my car.*

Hiring and firing is SO emotionally draining, don't you think?

THINGS THAT BEGIN WITH 'T'...TRUCK...TRAVEL...TSUNAMI...

How do you get a truck out of a harbor?
You attach air bags...



And then you tow it to the boat ramp.


Just thought you'd all want to know.
So September was research month whether I wanted to or not. A brilliant trip to Victoria to see an old friend and pass by Port Townsend and Port Angeles where my WIP will take place...
And then?
I come home to a tsunami alert.

We watched the water rise past the high tide mark...

And then it receded. It went back and forth high tide and low tide right in front of our eyes for several hours. Like someone was filling a tub and then letting the water out a drain...it was flat...no real waves. But the surging caused the water to go instantly from clear to muddy...
This month I actually had to start a new journal titled:
"THINGS I MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT PUT INTO A NOVEL"
You never know.
TOOLOOSE has started his next book.
WORKING TITLE:
ALIEN SPACE MONKEYS VERSUS THE DREAD TSUNAMI VAMPIRE
He's already got 153 words.

"It was a dark and stormy sea..."

STRANGER THAN FICTION...

What are the chances...



That a car in the parking lot gets its throttle stuck and it richochets off a MERCEDES...takes out a dock box, electrical conduit, a eight foot tall metal gate, rides down the dock between two sailboats and plunges into the water with the driver swimming to safety and the boats undamaged?
What are the chances that it happens two boats down from a novelist?
This is SO going in my next book...
oh and the car is sitting in 16 feet of water and will need to be removed with a crane...What are the chances?

DEEP END OF THE OCEAN...THE REST OF THE STORY...

When Deep End of the Ocean was released and became the first Oprah book it changed everything. It was a compelling story that still engages readers. When we reluctantly closed the book, we all wondered what happened to the family.
Everyone has been anxiously awaiting the sequel.
Well wait no more.
It's here!!!!!
NO TIME TO WAVE GOODBYE

Those of us attending the Hawaii Writers Conference and Retreat were able to score early copies of Jacquelyn Mitchard's sequel to her best selling first novel.
Was it worth the wait?
YOU BETCHA.
Grab your copy now and dive right in...

After reading it - I was compelled to re read Deep End of the Ocean and marvel once more at the characters, the premise and what a terrific story it is and think back...
1996...I had been living in Hawaii for over five years, I was on the beach and immersed from the very first page...

Where were YOU when you first read Deep End of the Ocean?

THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD...OR DIDN'T WE JUST PASS THIS PLACE???

I remember taking this photo in Norway. After a while all the cliffs that I felt the car would plunge over started looking the same...


The idea for this blog post is courtesy of THIS

Title:

YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ MY F***ING SCRIPT IF I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR F***ING RANT

I read the comments about this essay and they were evenly divided between agreeing with the ranter and disagreeing saying that everybody needs a hand early in their career.
Let me give my take on the situation.
In my case help was encouragement in workshops not reading a manuscript and getting me an agent. I help other writers because I know what it was like.
Do I read their work? Only in facilitated workshops. Do I get them an agent? No because I don't know what kind of agent they want. Do I send them to my editor? No that's not my job. Will I answer questions about writing or publishing? YES YES YES.
Anyone who asks about my path or has a question gets an answer.
Do I have to insult someone who genuinely thinks I might want to read or edit their unagented work?
No.
Never.
Why?
Because they don't know any better. I tell them about writers groups and organizations and conferences and wish them luck.
Yes I know it's impossible to discourage true writers. But yanno. I don't want to discourage them. I want other writers to succeed. If something I say helps then yeah!
If they get annoyed with me for not easing their path then I can't help that. I'm too busy revising my next manuscript to worry about that.
The thing is...
Why be mean?

BETA BOB BOUNCES BACK...

WANDERING STAR has joined ORION at the Ala Wai...

That teeny tiny speck of a sailboat is Wandering Star entering the harbor. So it's back to normal or kinda normal...Tooloose is writing his alien space monkey opus, I'm working on a new project, and simultaneously trying to come down from 10+ days working with other writers.
It's been fun...and everyone says the same thing:
Write.
Write.
Write.
Get off the internet and write.
Get off your butt and write.
Have faith (that's from Mitch Albom).
Have determination (that's from Kristin Hannah).
Let adversity motivate you (that's from Jackie Mitchard).
Break all the rules (that's from Joseph Finder).
String 60 scenes together (that's from William Bernstein).
I'm going to sell my house and buy a boat (that's from William Martin- he went on a great catamaran ride and now he's jealous of me...on a sailboat...in Hawaii...).
And for the writers who heard my talk?
Look for that pony in the manure pile and stay well grounded by stepping in an occassional hair ball...

DEBRIEFING: OR WHY DO SOME PEOPLE WALK OUT ON WORKSHOPS...

In the midst of dragons there be gold...

It happens every year. With every instructor. At some point in the writers workshop a person feels their needs are not being met...
The first day everyone has bright shiny happy faces. As the week progresses two things happen. A writer takes on a dogged determined appearance and their writing becomes lighter...more fluid...a distinctive voice develops.
OR.
The second, third, or fourth day?
They do not come back. At first we think they've slept in or are ill. Then the truth comes out.
We have NOT recognized their brilliance.
Darn.
And I thought everyone was supposed to recognize mine...
There are as many reasons as there are plot points. The thing is? So you don't learn about gripping dialogue. You learn something about characterization. Or maybe you learn more about the structure of a novel. Or just maybe you find a way out of your story and into another story...I never learn what I think I'm going to and the funny thing I often learn from my classmates...
And at the VERY least? You have more best selling authors to list on your query or resume and have an in to get a blurb from...What else it teaches? How to take criticism well - that helps when working with a publisher when they tell you to change something. So my hat's off to Jackie Mitchard and Karin Slaughter. They came. They saw.
They taught...

SO YOU WANT TO BE A WRITER...

During dinner we were serenaded by the rustling of the palms...

Yesterday's exercise was to create two separate paragraphs either first or third person that addressed gender. How to reveal the sex of the speaker so a reader knows exactly whether the protagonist is a man or woman without being obvious...like having them look in a mirror...DUH!!!!We also had to make one sympathetic and the other unsympathetic-
Then we took our gender paragraphs and turned them into a dialogue (monologue) and made them unsympathetic if they originally were sympathetic and vice versa...
I learned a lot plus it was fun. We made each other laugh so hard we nearly peed our pants (speaking for myself only of course).
Tonight's homework was a one page two person dialogue that was suspenseful.
It's now after 11 pm and I am wishing I started my homework earlier...
If I don't finish I'll say TOOLOOSE ate my homework...or at least his alien space monkeys did...
So what are your excuses?

MITCHARD & SLAUGHTER : CHARACTERS' SECRETS

We all decided our instructors names would make a great law firm:
Mitchard & Slaughter

Where Holly and I had dinner:

For homework yesterday I wrote an even creepier short SHORT story about a woman who gets offed by her husband by getting dumped in the ocean (no ideas eh Gordon?).
Studying the structure of thrillers is really getting rid of all my pent up emotion let me tell you!
Today Karin Slaughter talked about knowing one secret your character has that the reader may never know.
Like they stole out of the collection plate when they were 10 and embarrassed in front of the congregation and that's why they are guilty every time they go to church...or they got a DUI, or they never actually graduated from college or...
you get the idea.
It was hugely helpful and I came up with a GREAT secret...and I'm never telling.
No sir.
Tooloose did the exercise as well.

MI ALIEN SPAZ MONKEEZ HAV A SECRIT:

THEY R NUT RELEE ALIENS AN THEY DON KNO HOW TO FLY.
SORREE.

What are YOUR characters' secrets?

FIRST ASSIGNMENT: HAWAII WRITERS RETREAT...

No picture. Not yet. Our classroom is facing the Ocean and has a view of Diamond Head.
The first day we heard a talk by William Martin on first lines and first pages. About setting up the voice and the characters. About compelling the reader to turn that page.
Then we had a break and IMMEDIATELY WENT TO STARBUCKS...which made HOLLY and I late for class...my bad...
so....WE WERE SEPARATED!!!! We couldn't even pass notes back and forth.
In the beginning we worked on the events in our stories. Listing the 10 major events that lead to the next thing.
It was HARD!!!!!
Even with a second draft of this current book finished I had a REALLY difficult time and mine was horrible. I sweated blood to create my list and when I read it over it actually bore little resemblance to the book I wrote...*crumples paper up and starts over*

The next task seemed easier. Homework: write a one page ghost story with NO HOUSE THAT IS OFFERED FOR SALE THAT A NEW FAMILY MOVES INTO...ie no Amityville horror...Rats...
Do you want to read my home work? Do you? well...
Here it is:
**********************
Ghost Story
I’m being chased. Don’t come closer. I tell them, but the one doggedly tromps through the forest with the video camera rolling, slowing only to take a slurp of his beer. I flee. I soar. Trees whisk by. Stones rattle and tumble. Bushes rear out of the ground, but the flannel-shirted idiot keeps it up. The other moron wears a hooded sweatshirt that flops over his face, and carries a metal flashlight. Hard to balance that and the can of brew he holds in his hand as he jogs, but he manages without spilling a drop. Takes talent, that.
“He’s getting away, Lenny. Head him off.”
“Got him, Carl. You just keep filming.”
Stay away. I tell them, but they don’t listen. They never listen. Why do they not listen? I allow the idiot with the camera a fleeting glimpse of me. I am a startle. A movement out of the corner of his eye. A shimmer of glowing light. His lumbering body swings around and he stumbles forward. Rasping breath. Excitement and expectation causes him to be heedless. I count on this and use it to my advantage.
When his foot crashes through the rotted plywood covered with soft pine needles and leaves, his body tumbles down the darkened shaft. He doesn’t have time to do more than grunt in surprise. If I were him I might have tossed the beer and camera aside and grabbed a hold of the frame or protruding root on the way down. He doesn’t of course. They never think of it at the time. I know I never did. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty as they often say.
I know these woods like the back of my hand. Or did when I had a hand. Every path. Each trail. How close the quarry is to the edge of the road. The location of every pit. Each abandoned well. What it takes to entice and beguile.
I know how it will be for the next one.
His heart will thud in his ears as he holds his breath until he nearly explodes. “Carl? CARL? Where are you? Carl?” he will say. His fingers will become sweaty and both hands will tremble. Maybe he will shine his light in a wide circle. Around and around until he is dizzy. A twig snaps. I hear him coming. Maybe I will show myself. Maybe he will die of fright. Time stopping dead like a crushed watch. If he doesn’t, it will be as easy to lead him to the shaft as it was for the others. Easier, even. I know this.
Each time it gets easier.
***************************
Comments? Of course you all knew it would be my style to write one from the POV of a ghost...
What would you have done?

LET THE PARTY BEGIN...

So it's registration day for the Hawaii Writers Retreat and I immediately started trying to be teacher's pet by buying a few rounds...Jackie Mitchard is great fun to work with.

And after 2 pina coladas I was feeling no pain...Ann Hood has a full class as well. It's so hard to decide who to work with...

how do you choose anyway?
Some times it depends on your story. Sometimes it depends on a writing tic you want to get rid of.
Other times? Well THIS from TOOLOOSE:

"STOREZ THAT HAZ ALIEN SPAZ MONKEEZ R THE NEXT BIG THING.
I WAN MY TEACHUR TO UNDERSTAN
MY GENIUZ.
AND GET ME AN AGENT. NOW. PLEEZ."

So how about you?
What do you want from a Hawaii writers retreat besides finding that perfect Mai Tai?

MY CHARACTER GRAM IS GOING TO HELL...

AND OTHER THINGS MY READERS TELL ME...
This is a photo of me carrying two of my characters around on my back... I can't get rid of them. They are with me every moment of every day whispering in my ear.
I'm responsible for them and everything they do is my fault.
For example...
Gram's potty mouth has gotten her into trouble. I have been told on good authority (the born-again-community-somewhere-in-the-wilds-of-someplace) that no matter how good Gram was to Perry she's going straight-to-HELL-capital-H-do-not-pass-go-do-not-collect-your-$200-spiritual-Monopoly-kind-of-thing.
There's nothing I can do about it. I can't pull in any do-gooder markers. Can't go back (remember I already killed her off).
She's burning away now.
Gee.
I thought she was entirely imaginary.
Bummer.
My bad.

COUNT DOWN: LOOKING FORWARD TO SEE WHERE YOU'RE HEADED

It may all seem the same but trust me...each part of the ocean is different.

Each year I take stock. Where have I been? Where am I going? Am I on the right path?
As a result each year I attend the Hawaii Writers Retreat and Conference.
In 13 days the amazing and talented HOLLY KENNEDY arrives and in 14 days we will be seated across from each other (we aren't allowed to sit next to each other because we can't shut up) and will be working on the craft of fiction writing with Jackie Mitchard and Karin Slaughter.
The focus will be on suspense and although we don't write thrillers the components of a thriller can create a compulsive read and I want my readers to not be able to set down my book...I want them to carry it with them to restaurants...to work...to the bathroom...I want them to bug their life partner by reading my novel until 3 am because they want to find out what happens.
I enjoy working with other writers. There are times they ask me why I'm there...if I'm published already why do I work on my writing and I give them this answer:
I will ALWAYS work on my writing. Publishing is happy circumstance but is not the end of my path...I still strive to be able to write stories that will be in print two years...five years...ten years or more down the road.
So I will be sitting in a room with other writers, my ego left at the door (although I will hear it hammering and yelling on the other side)...
Today's question?
Your 15 pages have been sent in...Why are we provoked to fiddle with them? Why can't we leave them alone. Why must we switch sentences around? And why do we only NOW find those stupid grammar and spelling mistakes?
Inquiring minds want to know...

IF IT MOVES PUT A HAT ON IT AND OTHER SAGE WRITING ADVICE...

It doesn't take much to change a cold one-dimensional character into a living breathing entity...give him or her a hat and suddenly they're real...your very own "Wilson" from Castaway.

What shall I talk about? I know. This could also be titled "be careful what you wish for you just may get it..."
I have many people email me asking for writing, agenting, and publishing help. Generally they want me to read their manuscript and offer it to my agent or editor. Sometimes they want writing help or advice. Sometimes they want me to share the secret of getting published...hey if I told them it wouldn't be a secret anymore. I took an oath yanno.
The thing is...there are rules.
1. Authors don't have very much time. They have to stare at their blank computer screen, pet their cats, organize their desk, oh and write. If they read your manuscript then they don't have as much time to do all that.

2. If you want a favor from me AT LEAST READ MY FRIGGING BOOK...Okay? And I mean BUY A COPY!! Don't tell me you intend to read it or you are going to check it out of the library. And if you are going to lie at least get your facts straight. "I loved LOTTERY because I thought it was scary - especially when they stoned her to death."
If you say that I know that you have me and Shirley Jackson mixed up. HINT: My book LOTTERY does not have cliff notes yet.

3. So you want advice. And if something in your letter resonates with me and I happen to have a couple minutes I might give you some. Like...write everyday... find good beta readers WHO ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS. If you choose to use an editor then find a good one with PUBLISHING experience if you need help with your manuscript. Attend writers conferences and retreats. Find a writers group.

4. If you ask me what I did then I will tell you. I will be honest. I attended the Hawaii Writers Retreat and Conference. I kept writing. I found readers and editor who were NOT MY FRIENDS and I took criticism happily, readily,with good humor, and not defensively...(Thank you sir may I have another?)

5. FEEDBACK: All feedback is useful. I repeat. ALL FEEDBACK IS USEFUL.
Why? Writing is subjective. What resonates with one person will not resonate with another but listen to it. Know when to implement feedback and when to set it aside.
DON'T say it wasn't what I had in mind. Or is was a bag of twat. Sometimes twat is what is needed to make a story pop (okay that was deco-speak but you know what I mean).

6. If you really want me to help you then get to know me, comment on my blog, post on my facebook page. Let me know that you enjoy what I have to offer and aren't just interested in using me then moving on...If you wonder why authors sometimes are a bit gun shy then that's why. They meet another interesting writer and then BAM!!!! (think Emeril)the writer moves on when we say we can't read their manuscript.


I hope this doesn't sound harsh. It's not meant to be. I can't help but draw parallels between being an author and my father's lottery win. It changes people's attitudes, changes their opinion of you and suddenly you're a cynic.

What to do?
I get grounded with TOOLOOSE.
I know exactly how he feels about me. Merely a vehicle for "Cat Fud" and an itch reliever.He doesn't read my book - he uses it as a combo scratching post and bed.
He doesn't suck up.
He doesn't need to. He knows once his alien space monkey trilogy is published he'll blow me out of the water.
So what's an author to do? Continue to help? How do you draw the line.
And what IS the capital of North Dakota anyway?

DEAR ORION...

I didn't mean to stray. At first it was innocent. BJ the Captain asked if I would crew and help take a Transpac race boat back to California... I had no idea you were doing surveillance. I can explain...really...

I didn't mean to let it get this far. First it was being alone together in the middle of the Pacific. I mean things happen...I never intended to hurt you. Orient Express and I were thrown together. The wind...The Sea...The sunsets...
It was inevitable.
It began with an occasional turn at the winch.
And then I couldn't resist her speed...her clean lines...That HUGE wheel and there were TWO OF THEM. How could I help but steer her?

Anyway I knew it couldn't last. When we got to Long Beach she ignored me. Acted like what we had didn't mean a thing.
So I will return. Groveling. Begging your forgiveness and hoping someday you can see it in your heart to trust me again.
Yours,
Patricia
(PS if it comes to a divorce YOU have to take both cats. No way am I going to have custodial visits with TOOLOOSE. He's so spiteful. And Girl Kitty keeps hurling...)

GONE FISHING...across the Pacific...

A new take on intermingling of the species...


By the time you read this I will be packed up and ready to help crew a 70 ft Santa Cruz back to LA from Honolulu with my friend BJ, my new friends Ryan and Naomi and somebody else who I don't know the name of (possibly Hannibal Lector or maybe I just heard wrong)
It should take about two weeks and successfully remove any lingering addiction to the internet and like a recovering heroin addict I will be able to get high on a less amount of online entertainment when I get back.
(For those who don't know me that was a joke...)
So wish me fair skies and brisk winds. Oh Bob Beta reader? Can you post updates in the comments section when Gordon calls you?
Alooooooooha!

If you're in LA drop an email to patwoodauthor@gmail.com

WHY I WILL NEVER TWITTER AND OTHER UNINTERESTING FACTS ABOUT ME...

I have no self control.
I'm a writer. We tend to think that we can write anything. Anywhere. Anytime.
I've even had to cut back my blogging (and lots of you have noticed). It's just that I can either write many pointless but entertaining blogs or finish my novels.
But on to facts.
It's tempting to go off on tirades, but the thing is that boomerang often times comes back to bite you in the butt. I know. I have butt bruises.
So I'm going to make a pledge to work and play nice with others.
It's one of those things they taught you in kindergarten along with cover your mouth if you cough and don't take other people's things.
Anyway I'm open to other kindergarten aphorisms.

TODAY BEGINS THE COUNTDOWN: Hawaii writers retreat
47 days to go until I work with Jacquelyn Mitchard and Karin Slaughter with HOLLY!!!!!

What I have been doing:
I am putting together what I'm going to work on. I wavered back and forth and decided to bring something new (as opposed to something borrowed or blue).
I have two days to get 10 pages up to speed. I think on a retreat when you will be working with the same group for several days it's important to figure out what your goal is. What you want to get out of the process. So I opted to work on a novel in progress. (not the one my agent has) but one that I have about 34,000 words. Not even a first draft finished. I want to see if my MC has a distinctive authentic voice.
So I hear there is still room at the retreat and conference...
Check it out if you can.
I'm a genuine addict of the Hawaii writers conference and retreat.

LOOKING FOR THOSE JUST REWARDS

So I was walking down the dock minding my own business...wait that's a lie.


Writers NEVER mind their own business. So I was walking down the dock and saw a squid hanging out so I had to whip out my iPhone and take its photo.
But anyway back to my lying.
It was Sunday school. I think I was maybe four or five. I had an option. Keep the dime or put it in the collection plate. I swallowed it.
"Where did that dime go?" Mrs. McLaren asked.
"Um...I lost it." (Said with shifting eyes and finger in mouth)
I really can't remember anything else because I was upside down being shaken...suffice it to say my teacher got that dime out of me. I knew I had to perfect my fibs.
Fast forward fifty years.
Authors are full of it. Lying I mean. Well, exaggeration. Eavesdropping on conversations, meeting a person with a really cool name that you appropriate for your next book, imagining all sorts of dire possibilities when a friend is late for lunch.
I was speaking with a book club a few weeks ago and someone asked me what I thought the BEST quality a writer could have...and um...I told them.
Be a liar.
Be the best possible liar you can be.
And then lie some more.
All learned from Sunday school so long ago...

NOTE: Check out cool AUCTION HERE.

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD AND OTHER LITERARY CONUNDRUMS...

This photo is courtesy of my friend Jenice.
If there is one truth I have learned over the past year it is this. Constant blogging and finishing a novel are not compatible.
There are other things that are not compatible with writing and completing projects. Shall we list them?
1. A pile of dirty clothes. They rumble, they hiss, they scream out to be washed. Unfortunately this is sex linked because it doesn't seem to affect male writers.
2. A sink full of dirty dishes. The sound made is bubbly-gurgley and persists until resolved. Unfortunately this too is sex-linked.
3. The "what's for dinner" phenomenon. You guessed it. Sex linked.

I tried to find SOMETHING that wasn't related to the male-female thing.
I think I found one:

4. The 'play with the cat' phenomenon. Yep. Cross-gender and highly addictive. Also an insidious time waster.
Closely related to 'feed the cat', 'brush the cat', pick up the cat' and wipe up the cat's hairballs'

My research in this matter has derailed yet another potential productive day of writing.

YOUR BAILOUT DOLLARS AT WORK...

Check out the bright lights in the middle.


Yes an un-named (because I don't want to be sued) recipient of bail-out funds is having a RETREAT here in Waikiki...
OVERHEARD as we walked by the live band and celebration.

"DON'T BE ASHAMED TO BE HERE! YOU DESERVE IT. YOU ARE THE CREAM OF THE CROP..."

My husband and I looked at each other and I was compelled to take a photo with my iphone.

Yes, it IS stranger than fiction.

There's a book in here somewhere...

A SEA OF JELLIES...AND THE TROPIC OF SCAMMERS...

The sea jellies are coming... the sea jellies are coming...
Thought you'd all like to see a jelly orgy.

Now I have to apologize. I discovered that I am a scammer. Yes it is true.
I am responsible for all those LOTTERY-SWEEPSTAKES-LUCKY WINNER notifications.

I just got this email.

Dear Ms. Wood,
I have received a notification that I have received a significant sum of money from something called the Patricia Wood Awards Sweepstakes. When I rang a phone number before I would give any personal details, I was told the sweepstake was attached to your name. I was told I had won 350,000 Euros. As you can appreciate, it sounds too good to be true.
Could you verify whether you have any knowledge of this sweepstake organisation in your name? It runs out of an office in Madrid, Spain.

Thanks for your time,
XXXXXXXXX

okay. It's time to come clean. My minions are collecting money from unsuspecting readers.
And you all thought I was just a novelist.
MWA HA HA...

I must go now.
I have a 140 million dollar inheritance that must be claimed in Nigeria.
Laters...

WHAT YOU FIND WHEN YOU'RE NOT LOOKING FOR ANYTHING...

I was grocery shopping when I saw this.
1. I had to laugh hysterically
2. I had to buy them
3. I had to laugh hysterically at the check out counter
4. I had to save the box and use it for a pencil holder

Over the years I have discovered something about myself. My sense of humor is often times not the same as other people's. Things that elicit side-splitting guffaws from me typically make other people roll their eyes or at the very most smile ever so slightly.
hmmm...
Tastes vary. Even the books I choose.
Like now.
I'm struggling through Proust in my "spare time" because one of my characters has to read it. I hate when characters make me do things like this. They never make me go to Paris or stay at a spa for a month or eat chocolate.
No.
They force me to read Proust.
The verbosity and attention to detail doesn't bother me. No sir. I look on the bright side. Proust at bedtime beats both sleeping pills AND warm milk.
I'm out like a light.
I'm in the middle of volume one and have six more to go.
Are all characters this mean to their creators?
Tooloose thinks so.
That's why he works with alien space monkeys in his novels.
They're very malleable.
So what do YOUR characters make you do?

PUT ME AWAY. ANYWHERE.

This is Pupukea.
This will be my tower without a ladder.


A cabin in the woods.
No internet.
No distractions.
Just electricity for my kindle and my computer.

It takes a lot to create a first draft of a novel. No cats needing to be fed. No dinners to fix. No phone calls or long internet ramblings.
Mostly it takes being undisturbed.
When my story is new and unformed I have to immerse myself in it and let it take me where it goes. My first drafts are really quite horrible. They are a large amorphous outline that I'm able to revise and expand. That revision and expansion I can do bit by bit and deal with interruptions but the first draft?
Nope.
I gotta be alone (as Garbo said).
So I'm doing an experiment thanks to my friend Nodie. I'm being isolated intentionally. I will blog about it when I'm done.
Any cheering and suggestions will be gratefully accepted.
As for now?
Hasta la VEEESTA baaaybee!

LANTERN FLOATING FESTIVAL

The canoes wait for sunset and Shomyo. The sails on the horizon are those of the Hawaiian voyaging canoe Hokulea.

MEMORIAL DAY

Each year thousands of lit lanterns are laid on the ocean in memory of those who are no longer with us.
They will be carried out to sea...

YOU SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY....HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA...

The birthday surprise:
Be on the beach at 2pm in my bathing suit...Where the most excellent surfing instructor JD taught me how to paddle board.
First step be able to carry the board - pass.
Then be able to kneel and get up and down.
NOTE: It helps if you can hold your breath when you fall off the board so you don't get water up your nose. Just a thought...Practice. Practice. Practice...and then...
You have to stand up and BELIEVE me when I say it isn't as easy as it looks...The water was surgy, the wind was picking up, there were lots of swimmers to avoid...and one nanosecond later I plunged into the water ass first. But then I tried again.
And it got easier...
At the end of the day it was apparent that paddle boarding was a lot like writing a novel...

It looks REALLY easy when other people do it well.
Before you get good you have to fall on your ass a bunch of times.
It's easy to criticize how other people do it with out doing it yourself.
It takes practice.
More practice.
And even more practice.
You can't worry what you look like.
And it's way fun.